Kitty rescue squad.

Well, isn't this nice. Sitting outside a cafe, while the rains falls gently on the plaza before me. Groups of schoolchildren run by, laughing as they scramble for cover. A mime plies her trade under the protection of a tree, her slow, methodical movements given strange poignancy by the drizzle surrounding her.

A man walks past unhurriedly, apparently unfazed by the rain, indeed, uncaring at his saturated state. He swigs from a can of beer; not his first, it would seem, as he gives vent to feelings I can only guess at, delivered in a language I only understand the basics of.

I visit the National Museum of History and Science, which is merely a flyspeck compared to its formidable brethren in London, but an interesting diversion no less, with a full size plesiosaur suspended from the ceiling, some questionable taxidermy, and a Foucault Pendulum. I'm always pleased to see one, if only to conjure memories of one of my favourite novels.

The Ueno Zoo is my next stop, which is similar to most zoos I've ever been to; the animals always seem unhappy, the enclosures are too small, and everything smells of shit and piss. There are some species of bird I've never seen before, and the lowland gorillas seemed to be having an uproarious time, play fighting in straw of their pen.

Upon my exit on the other side of the zoo, I realise that I am back at the park that I write about in my second entry.

It is enormous, and I circle part of it again, to watch the koi and the turtles jostle for position amongst the lilies.

Walking back through Akihabara, I come to the conclusion that buying as many game consoles that will fit in my suitcase is a pointless exercise, as they're not multi-region, and thus probably more effort than they're worth. To assuage my sadness, I venture into a maid cafe.

After being seated by an admittedly cute maid, I choose the chocolate parfait to eat. It comes with mini Oreo's stuck to it, and an urging by my maid that we make cute faces at it and make a heart symbol with our hands, which I happily do.

The whole premise is much like a bar staffed with topless girls. They don't really want to be there, it's just a job. You're the 50th mouth-breathing pervert they've had to deal with today, and they'd just like to go home.

Still, they put on a choreographed dance to some frenetic J-pop, and I clap along dutifully.

It's been a long day, and by the time I make it back to the shopping strip of Asakusa, near my hotel, it's 9:00, and I estimate I've walked at least 15 kilometres. I want to get some food, and go to bed.

That's when I hear the meowing. It's a very loud, piercing meow, and my first thought is that someone has it as their phone SMS alert. But no, that definitely a cat, and other people can hear it too, I can see them looking around in confusion.

Honing in, I can hear it seemingly coming from the wheel well of a taxi waiting at the rank. Motioning to the elderly taxi driver not to move, I lie down in the gutter to get a look under the car. Hanging out from the bottom of the engine bay is a leg, and face of a kitten, panting furiously and meowing.

Obviously it has climbed in to enjoy the warmth at some point, and been taken for a ride. I reach in to grab it, but its fear makes it retreat back into the bay. I stand up to motion to the driver that he has a cat stuck in his car, and at this point there's already a small crowd. They can tell what's going on, and they tell the driver in Japanese. He maintains he must move forward in the rank, and so moves two car spaces up.

I get down in front of the car, and see that the kitten has poked his head out the other side of the bay. I nearly stick my head out into traffic manoeuvring into a place to get it, but he retreats again.

But now he's onto me, and he finally drops to the road, and makes a break for it, luckily on the gutter side. I get up to chase it, and there's now about 15 people standing around, watching this kitten run for its life. They turn to me and cheer. I receive pats on the back and a handshake or three, but I'm back on the trail of the kitten, who has run down the subway steps, taking refuge in a small alcove.

More people are crowded around, but they just stand and stare. I just squat down and pick it up, and it wriggles with a fury born of desperation. I make it back up the steps before he turns in my hands and bites deeply into my index finger. I accidentally drop him, and he runs again, this time into a very narrow alley between buildings.

I would follow, but it is fenced off, the gate locked. Sadly, I must leave him to his fate.

I am now dirty, and wondering if feral cats in Japan carry any types of disease I should worry about. May as well find a hospital! I go to the nearest police box and ask where the nearest hospital is. Just up the road, I am told.

I follow the directions and indeed find the hospital, but... it's closed. Perhaps this one has no emergency ward?

I look on my Google Map, and see there's a clinic 2 kilometres away. I set off, thinking I'll just pay a doctor to answer a simple question. Are feral cats in Japan filthy disease carrying pests? If not, I won't worry.

Oops! The 'clinic' is a Dental clinic. Ha ha! Google Maps didn't specify that! It does specify that there's yet another hospital approximately 2 kilometres away, again. Good, this one will be open.

Except it isn't. Where the fuck am I? Greenland? I just need some doctor advice! Fuck!

I ask Siri. 'Siri, where is the closest 24-hour hospital?' She shows me on Apple Maps. Taito General Hospital. 3 kilometres away. Okay! Let's do this!

Oh Siri, you scamp! It's closed too!

Getting frustrated, I head to another police box, the question burning in my brain. 'What do you do if you cut your arm off after 9:00? Get the gaffa tape out and wait until the morning? Fucking idiots.'

Four policemen attempt to help me, with using Google translate to try and get my point across. I can tell they think it's amusing. Not me, specifically, but the situation. I probably would too.

After 20 minutes on the phone, one of them informs me that an ambulance is on the way. Jesus, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition! I just wanted to ask a question of a medical professional!

They bundle me into the ambulance, and check my vitals. The driver speaks to a superior on his phone. I am told we are going to another hospital. What do I say? Off we drive, into the night.

At the apparent hospital, which looks like an emergency room but isn't because they don't have emergency rooms, I am attended to by 3 nurses, who then consult a doctor. Finally, in broken English, the doctor tells me that 'No, cats in Japan aren't considered to carry terrible diseases, no more than any other cat. Keep an eye on the wound, get it checked when you get home. Otherwise you should be okay.'

Well fucking hallelujah! I was so happy I was about to suggest we all whistle 'Zippedy Doo-Dah' out of our assholes, but then the 4th nurse said 'That'll be $300 please'.

...

Fine! Take the money! It's all good!

In an alternate universe, I had a few beers with the nurses to take the edge off, and floated away into the sultry night on a flying carpet.

In this universe, I walked back to the hotel and ate an ice cream, then fell asleep with my penis in my hand trying to masturbate to clown porn.